What do you mean? I've been here the whole time......honest!

Okay last time I had a long absence, I had a an elaborate excuse, like I got in a fight with a wizard and he turned my fingers into sausages making it near impossible to type, something like that, but the fact is yes I have been really busy the last month or so, but during my downtime I’ve also been quite lazy, coupled with the fact I also haven’t watched many new films, there have been a few, but mostly it’s been stuff I’ve seen before like the original Planet of the Apes movies, and since I've yet to watch the new Apes movie I can't write about those. So now that I’ve cured cancer, fought off the Mongol hordes and found One-Eyed Willies treasure, I have time to both watch movies and write about them, but rather than the usual format, I’ll give you a quick rundown of the new films I’ve seen since last we met.

·         Yogi bear – a fairly average family film, however Dan Ackroyd does make a pretty good Yogi, but is completely outshined by Justin Timberlake’s Boo Boo, which is spot on.

·         Taken – A lot of people raved on about this, but I really didn’t see what was so good about it, yes it was entertaining, which is always the first box any film should tick, but it wasn’t anything special.

Basically Liam Neeson,  rather than having his kindly, wise and smiley eyed head on, has his shouty, annoyed, ‘I just dropped my toast butterside down’ head on, running around Paris, doing his best Jason Bourne impression, in search of his kidnapped daughter.

·         Source Code – The second film from Moon director Duncan Jones, who also spent his early years known as Zowie Bowie. Source Code, if it was  to be described as a formula would end up something like this:

 (12 monkeys – Terry Gilliam Weirdness) + (Groundhog day – Bill Murray) X TV’s Quantum Leap = Source Code.

Although I have trivialised it somewhat, it is a good film, I wasn’t sold by the trailer, but the involvement of Jones peaked my interest, given the shear brilliance of Moon.

·         Submarine – The Directorial film debut from Richard Ayoade, better known as Moss from TV’s IT Crowd. Submarine is a coming of age comedy drama, set in the mid80’s it follows Oliver Tate, an oddball 15 year old, who has two missions in life, firstly to lose his virginity and secondly prevent the separation of his parents.

There are so many things I like about this film, Ayoade’s direction is beautiful, his previous work in music videos is quite evident. There are brilliant, yet understated performances from the cast of largely unknowns, with narration from Oliver (Craig Roberts, who also pops up in Jane Eyre) running throughout the film and a soundtrack from Alex Turner (Artic Monkeys frontman) in his first solo outing.

I’d currently put this in my top five films of the year, and given we’re into October, it’s properly pretty safe.

·         Planet Hulk – While Marvel have been making their live action films, gearing towards next year’s Avengers movie, they’ve also been churning out a series, nine by my count, of straight to DVD animated movies. Their straight to DVD nature shouldn’t mean they’re dismissed, neither that they’ve only been detected on the radar of children and comic geeks, there have been some excellent titles so far, including two avengers movies, Wolverine Vs. The Hulk, and Thor: Tales of Asgard, where we see Thor as a youngster.

But out of them all I think this is my favourite. Hulk, who no longer seems to revert back to Bruce Banner, but does seem to be a more intelligent creature than his previous rage fuelled wrecking ball, has been exiled from earth. Eventually Hulk lands on a planet where he is forced to compete in a series of gladiatorial games.

·         Jane Eyre – based on the novel by Charlotte Bronte, a period drama featuring such British talent as Michael Fassbender, Jamie Bell and Judi Dench. Not a film I’d ever have chosen to go and see myself, but certainly entertaining enough, probably helped by the fact I didn’t know the story at all. Certainly a way to earn points with the future Mrs Lazertooth,  and an ideal way to get her to see something she would rather not, pulling out the trump card of “yeah, but I did go and watch Jane Eyre”

·         Final destination 4 - I haven’t seen 2 & 3, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and  say they’re the same. If it wasn’t for ‘her indoors’ who actually likes the first three movies, I’d never have rented this, and frankly I wouldn’t have missed a thing. A rather bland by the numbers horror, but that’s not really a surprise when you’ve seen the first film. Yeah, it was an original concept for a horror, but for me the novelty wore off before the credits rolled.

So there you go, a basic run down of the previously unseen movies viewed during by blog hiatus. Some, probably not given the write up they deserve, while others probably received much more.  

And I promise normal transmission will resume shortly.

Planet Hulk Trailer

'Submarine' Trailer

Harry Potter Raped my Brain

When I was growing up I loved pretty much anything to do with monsters and magic, whether it was watching Dungeons & Dragons or Paul Daniels, so when I started to hear people raving on about Harry Potter my eyebrow raised in interest. I didn’t run down to the nearest waterstones, to grab a copy of The Philosophers Stone (or the Sorcerers stone as its known in America, because apparently not enough of them know what a philosopher is, which frankly isn’t hard to believe). I slowly began to take more and more notice, until one day I spied a copy just sitting there on the table at home, don’t know who it belonged to, I picked it up and started reading, and must have read the first five or six chapters, and quite enjoyed it. The next day some friends and I went to see the film, the release of which was one of the thinks that helped to peak my interest.

I never touched that book again, the movie version was awful. The children, all of them, with no exception, are dreadful. The collective acting is so wooden you’d think the film was made by MFI as some elaborate advertising campaign.  Luckily when J K Rowling sold the rights to Warner Bros, she added the condition that all British characters had to be played by British actors, with the same rule applying to any European characters. If she hadn’t we could have ended up with Matt La Blanc as Dumbledore, okay so I have know idea if that was ever a casting choice, but face it Hollywood you do have a disastrous track record for adaptations, no matter the original medium. Hollywood looks at its hand of movie top trumps and slams down Pride & Prejudice. Very good Hollywood, but its very difficult to destroy a adaptation like that, even for you. But given we’re playing disaster trumps its a low score. The problem that now faces me, is not that its difficult to beat Hollywood’s card, its that I’m spoiled for choice, I could go with a television adaptation like Yogi Bear, G.I.Joe Rise of Cobra, or Miami Vice, but keepin the La Blanc theme I’m going with Lost in Space. In no time at all Hollywood counters with Transformers, good call Hollywood, but like I said I’m Spoiled for choice, this time I’m going with the grail of rubbish adapts, the world of video games. We have Mario Bros, Double Dragon, but whats this, yeah Hollywood that’s right Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, and that’s top trump bitch!!

Sorry where was I.. That’s right Harry Potter and the Disappointing Franchise.  But to their credit Radcliffe and his fellow ilk seem to have taken some acting lessons over the summer holidays, as their acting does get better as we get to The Chamber of Secrets, and then again as we get to Harry Potter and the embarrassing erection, or whatever its called. The films do get better, but not by much.

But as the franchise went on the list of British acting cream mixed into this movie cake increased, starting with Richard Griffiths, John Cleese, John Hurt, Maggie Smith, Julie Walters, Mark Williams, Robbie Coltrane, Alan Rickman and the late Richard Harris. Then later we get lashings of Brendan Gleeson, Helena Bonham Carter, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, Timothy Spall, Jim Broadbent, Imelda Staunton, Emma Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, Ralph Fiennes and Michael Gambon replacing Richard Harris. Not to take anything away from Harris, but Gambon’s Dumbledore is much better. Harris’s version has old and wise down, but Gambon has presence and authority, while still coming across as kindly and though not seeming as old as Harris he also doesn’t look as frail either. Basically Harris looks like a wizard, Gambon IS a wizard.

As the years have rolled on I’ve been made to watch the various instalments, either on DVD or in the cinema. Although the films have gotten better as the series has progressed, Half Blood Prince aside, I’d still never gotten into the wizards corner. My main problem with the films is that they seem rushed, trying to cram as much in as possible, with numerous moments that seem pointless and other moments you wished they’d expanded upon, but then that is the nature of the book adaptation and usually accompanies that line that every self-respecting moviegoer hates “well its not as good as the book”. Then a couple of weeks ago the future Mrs Lazertooth insisted we watch the previous instalments before she dragged me to watch Deathly Hallows part 2, and in the space of 2 weeks I watched all eight movies, at one point watching two and a half in one day (a lazy Sunday) . After almost ten years of telling anyone who would listen how rubbish I thought Potter was, I found my self, I’m almost ashamed to say, actually getting quite into it, much like I had a decade ago with those first chapters. 

It helps that Death Hallows part 2 is essentially one big climax spurting all over the screen, a pay-off that makes that last 18 hours worth it. As well as Voldermort being a villain to rival Darth Vader (controversial)

Now I haven’t done a complete U-turn, I still don’t think its the greatest franchise, the first film is still shit and the epilogue of Death Hallows part 2 is horrendous , but if you watch it like I did, more like a TV series you’ve just gotten on DVD and caned through, watching numerous episodes in a single sitting, then the films work, all those bits that seemed pointless don’t seem so bad, you realise that some of them are quite important just not at that point in the Potter timeline, its like watching the Eastenders omnibus if Phil Mitchell was a wizard.

And that was how Harry Potter raped my grey matter; he snuck into my head like some prepubescent mind ninja, held down my brain and penetrated it with his wand, Expelliarmusing into my cerebral cortex.

So chapter seven was it...

Transformers

When I was a boy if you weren’t running around with a severed tree branch, holding it aloft shouting “I have the powweerrr” or alternatively “Thunder, Thunder...” you were pretending everything was okay, and your uncle only touched you because... failing that you were Optimus Prime saving the world from the evil Megatron or your best friend Billy posing as a 20ft killer robot. 

Transformers for anyone who hasn’t been a child in the last thirty years, started off as a range of toys that combined the two staples of boy’s toys, cars and robots, and how’s this for a mind fuck robots that turned into cars. Amazing.

These greatest toys ever were quickly given their own series, with the view to make sure that every kid wanted one of these greatest toys ever, wait a minute there’s an almost infinite supply of characters to collect...bastards.

The TV series quickly led to a movie, and what a movie, I remember the physical act of going to the cinema to see it, though I don’t remember the film itself, it may well have been the first film I saw at the cinema, if not Transformers: The Movie then it was Gobots: The Battle of the Rock Lords which came out the same year, but I’m not sure which was first and Wikipedia was no help. but for arguments sake and easier assimilation into this ramble we’ll say it was Transformers, a film which I unashamedly will name as one of my top five movies of all time, there I’ve said it. I love literally everything about it, its a film I’ve seen so many times, both through childhood and my adult life, from the first time I watched it on video and cried at the death of Optimus Prime to the last time I watched it drunk at four in the morning, passing out around the birth of Galvatron. It’s a film I no longer have to watch, I can pretty much just play it in my head. Amazing animation, brilliantly written, superb 80’s rock soundtrack and featuring the voice talents of what was considered in 1986 a stellar cast, brat packer Judd Nelson, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Eric Idle and the last ever film role of cinematic Shakespeare Orson Welles. 

As well as the series and film, there were comics, both an American and a British comic, which I used to get every week, and every day would go to school clutching my Transformers lunch box. So to summarise Transformers was huge and I was a fan.

So being such a fan, I was excited by the prospect of a live action film... then finding out that Steven Spielberg was involved, even though I’ve never liked all his work, I hate both E.T and Jurassic Park. But with him involved it’s gonna have some clout....whats that movieland he’s only producing, that’s fine, he’s got an even better record in that field than he does as a director. But as Movieland nods his head in agreement, Joe Public shakes his and gives what can only be described as the “what shit you be talking” face, subsequently slapping Jonny Lazertooth in the face with his glove (does it worry anyone else that I’ve created an alter ego, and not only that but I’ve started to refer to him in the third person). Well Mr. Public I except your challenge...Spielberg produced: The Back to the Future Trilogy, The Goonies, Gremlins 1 & 2, Innerspace, An American Tail, Land Before Time, Batteries not included, Who framed Roger Rabbit? Ok that’s enough listing, challenge won, trophy raised. 

Then after the Spielberg slight of hand, Movieland shouts Alakazam!! and pulls Michael Bay out of his hat. Bay started out, like many, making music videos, later moving into films with some brilliant action movies, a la Bad Boys and The Rock. With his movie teeth cut he went bigger, and bigger with Armageddon and then Pearl Harbour. So a man with a portfolio full of high quality action and ridiculous spectacle would be perfect to direct Transformers, and he was. The first Transformers was everything you could have wanted from a live action movie, and it was a massive success, hence two sequels. 

Unfortunately this is where it all started to go a little wrong. The first film had just a hand full of Autobots and Decepticons, and this allowed you to get to the know the characters, allowed you to cheer on Optimus and the others, when any of the Decepticons turned up there was a genuine feel of fret, you got to care about all the characters, making the moment Megatron kills Jazz an actual shock. But the first follow up, Revenge of the sequel (sorry, Fallen), overloaded us with transformers, barely getting to know what they look like, let alone their names. Then as quickly as they’re introduced, the robot hordes are all turned to scrap and you really couldn’t care less. The other main problems with the sequel is the Jar Jar Binks of Transformers is the twin annoyance of Skids & Mudflap, coupled with the over reliance on the human story.

And then there’s the brand new shiny sequel, Dark of the Moon. Which for the record I liked; it’s not as good as the first, but a damned sight better than the last. But what did I like about it I here you ask?

Firstly the idea to weave a historic event like the moon landings into the story, not only helps to ground it in reality, but also gives an interesting alternative history...plus its cool. Yes its something we’ve kinda seen before in the first film, when we learnt Sam’s great-grandfather had discovered Megatron at the Arctic circle, but that was obviously all fiction, though again it allowed the film to great its own alternative history.  That and an appearance from real life astronaut Buzz Aldrin.

Secondly, which scored big points for a fan boy like me, was not just the inclusion of the character of Sentinel Prime, but the return of Leonard Nimoy, who as well as providing the voice for Sentinel Prime, did so in the original movie for Galavtron. Okay so that’s not much of a judgement on the film itself, but like the inclusion of the moon landings is pretty cool, in the same way it was cool that Peter Cullen provides the voice for the Optimus after doing so in the original series and film.

It does have its down sides I’m not going to lie, much like Revenge of the Fallen there’s far too much focus on the humans and not enough on the Transformers themselves, though not quite as much as in Fallen, and although the previous films both went well over the two hour mark, Dark of the Moon seems a bit over long, some of the fat could definitely have been trimmed.