Arthur

When I was a kid we were lucky enough to have sky, this is back when your sky box had a separate button for each of the 16 channels, half of which were either in French or German, or better yet just static. Back when there was Sky Movies Plus, which started at four in the afternoon, and as well as showing the latest releases also showed pay per view events like boxing and Wrestlemainia (at that point for free). After a while more and more channels started to appear, and the ones that were already established started to increase their transmissions. Eventually Sky Movies dropped the plus, and started going around the clock, and because they showed every film twelve times, I saw a lot of films a lot of times, films like: Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, Earth girls Are Easy, Scooby Doo & The Reluctant Werewolf, and Arthur 2: On The Rocks.

The first Arthur followed the exploits of Dudley Moore’s drunken millionaire; this was back in the good old days when alcoholism was funny. Arthur is reluctantly set to marry the daughter of a rather wealthy and ruthless business man, after his father threatens to cut him off if he doesn’t sort is life out. Then he meets and falls in love with Linda (Liza Minnelli), a poor city girl.

Arthur 2: On The Rocks catches up with the happy couple after they’re married, and trying to start a family.  After they find they can’t have children they decide to head down the road of adoption, a story strand threaded throughout the story, but the main storyline focuses on Arthur losing all his money. 

Arthur was a great success, winning Oscars for best song and best supporting actor for John Gielgud’s portrayal of Hobson, Arthur’s long suffering Butler/surrogate father, as well as nominations for Dudley Moore as best actor and best original screenplay for Steve Gordon, who also directed the film, and was the only film Gordon ever made, dying from a heart attack the year following release. However Arthur 2 was such a failure that Dudley Moore actually disowned it.

Then some years later Mr Hollywood decided rather than come up new ideas, he’d recycle some old ones, not only would this be cost effective, but recycle was one of those new buzz words that Jonny public responded to nowadays.

First he ravaged the television of yesteryear for parts, constructing giant Frankenstein blockbusters, designed to place fear and wonderment into the heart of Jonny Public, and untold riches into the pockets of Mr Hollywood. But rather than rampage through the villages of imagination, they just groaned slightly and fell over. One by one they puffed out their chest, to quickly run and hide, Lost in Space, Dukes of Hazard and the most hideous mutation of them all…Thunderbirds.

Not to be deterred by this Mr Hollywood went back to the drawing board, and began work on plan B. This time he’d plunder the world of cinema, but he didn’t know where to start, it was then he decided to investigate another buzz world he had heard of late, called something like the interweb. It was then that he stumbled upon the answer, it wasn’t the giant blockbusters that every talked about, or the ones that had won countless awards, but the funny and farfetched. Films which basically fell into two categories: Horror films & 80’s movies. Dollar signs rolled in the eyes of Mr Hollywood.

And soon the freaks began to plague the world of cinema, first with the soulless monstrosities of Horror named Nightmare on Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, quickly followed by creatures harvested from the decade of imagination. But these beasts were far more devious, somehow taping into the life blood of their former incarnations.

There was Karate Kid, and then Arthur, two films which given my personal love of the 80’s I should hate, but I don’t, just as Karate Kid found in Jackie Chan the only person who could possibly do justice to the icon of Mr Miyagi, Arthur found Russell Brand.

There are a lot of people who don’t like Brand and I didn’t to begin with, he’s been described to me like marmite, either you love him or hate him, I would describe him more like vegetables, had first you hate them, but a time goes on you start to not mind them as much, then you start to like some, and before long you’re having a pub roast and marvelling at their wide selection. That pretty much describes by appreciation for Mr Katy Perry, when I first experienced him on Big Brother’s Big Mouth I couldn’t understand why they had such a monumental dick fronting a programme of this nature, but the more you watch him in action the more you start to get it, putting the whimsy and gibberish aside he’s actually a quite intelligent, and well informed character. But I still wasn’t wholly convinced, then some time later a friend of mine lent me two stand-up DVDs, namely Dara O’Briain and Russell Brand. I was excited by O’Briain, and it was brilliant, but I only kept the Brand DVD out of politeness, eventually I got round to watching it and that was it, I’d finally been convinced.

But that’s enough about how I got a hard-on for Russell Brand, the point is when he started making films, it didn’t seem like much of a leap, always seeming to play some extension of himself, either in look or attitude. Which is why when I heard that they were remaking Arthur, I was happy that the role had fallen to Brand. Arthur is eccentric, and so is Brand, which is part of his charm, and while Brand may not be a functioning alcoholic like Arthur, he has reached near self-destruction with drugs. Thirdly they’re both well practiced womanisers, until they settle on that one girl. So while he may not be heading too far in to parts unknown, he is a perfect fit. Life imitating art.

Although the Brand remake is unlikely to win the praise and awards of the original, I actually think its better. Maybe that’s just through my own perspective, as a kid I’d seen the sequel several times, before I’d seen the original, which on that first viewing was a little disappointing.  But the remake is charming and funny, and sometimes ridiculous, but most of all its not taxing, a Sunday teatime kinda film, grown-up enough for the grown-ups and childish enough for the children.

Arthur 2011 Trailer

Arthur 2 On The Rocks

What do you mean? I've been here the whole time......honest!

Okay last time I had a long absence, I had a an elaborate excuse, like I got in a fight with a wizard and he turned my fingers into sausages making it near impossible to type, something like that, but the fact is yes I have been really busy the last month or so, but during my downtime I’ve also been quite lazy, coupled with the fact I also haven’t watched many new films, there have been a few, but mostly it’s been stuff I’ve seen before like the original Planet of the Apes movies, and since I've yet to watch the new Apes movie I can't write about those. So now that I’ve cured cancer, fought off the Mongol hordes and found One-Eyed Willies treasure, I have time to both watch movies and write about them, but rather than the usual format, I’ll give you a quick rundown of the new films I’ve seen since last we met.

·         Yogi bear – a fairly average family film, however Dan Ackroyd does make a pretty good Yogi, but is completely outshined by Justin Timberlake’s Boo Boo, which is spot on.

·         Taken – A lot of people raved on about this, but I really didn’t see what was so good about it, yes it was entertaining, which is always the first box any film should tick, but it wasn’t anything special.

Basically Liam Neeson,  rather than having his kindly, wise and smiley eyed head on, has his shouty, annoyed, ‘I just dropped my toast butterside down’ head on, running around Paris, doing his best Jason Bourne impression, in search of his kidnapped daughter.

·         Source Code – The second film from Moon director Duncan Jones, who also spent his early years known as Zowie Bowie. Source Code, if it was  to be described as a formula would end up something like this:

 (12 monkeys – Terry Gilliam Weirdness) + (Groundhog day – Bill Murray) X TV’s Quantum Leap = Source Code.

Although I have trivialised it somewhat, it is a good film, I wasn’t sold by the trailer, but the involvement of Jones peaked my interest, given the shear brilliance of Moon.

·         Submarine – The Directorial film debut from Richard Ayoade, better known as Moss from TV’s IT Crowd. Submarine is a coming of age comedy drama, set in the mid80’s it follows Oliver Tate, an oddball 15 year old, who has two missions in life, firstly to lose his virginity and secondly prevent the separation of his parents.

There are so many things I like about this film, Ayoade’s direction is beautiful, his previous work in music videos is quite evident. There are brilliant, yet understated performances from the cast of largely unknowns, with narration from Oliver (Craig Roberts, who also pops up in Jane Eyre) running throughout the film and a soundtrack from Alex Turner (Artic Monkeys frontman) in his first solo outing.

I’d currently put this in my top five films of the year, and given we’re into October, it’s properly pretty safe.

·         Planet Hulk – While Marvel have been making their live action films, gearing towards next year’s Avengers movie, they’ve also been churning out a series, nine by my count, of straight to DVD animated movies. Their straight to DVD nature shouldn’t mean they’re dismissed, neither that they’ve only been detected on the radar of children and comic geeks, there have been some excellent titles so far, including two avengers movies, Wolverine Vs. The Hulk, and Thor: Tales of Asgard, where we see Thor as a youngster.

But out of them all I think this is my favourite. Hulk, who no longer seems to revert back to Bruce Banner, but does seem to be a more intelligent creature than his previous rage fuelled wrecking ball, has been exiled from earth. Eventually Hulk lands on a planet where he is forced to compete in a series of gladiatorial games.

·         Jane Eyre – based on the novel by Charlotte Bronte, a period drama featuring such British talent as Michael Fassbender, Jamie Bell and Judi Dench. Not a film I’d ever have chosen to go and see myself, but certainly entertaining enough, probably helped by the fact I didn’t know the story at all. Certainly a way to earn points with the future Mrs Lazertooth,  and an ideal way to get her to see something she would rather not, pulling out the trump card of “yeah, but I did go and watch Jane Eyre”

·         Final destination 4 - I haven’t seen 2 & 3, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and  say they’re the same. If it wasn’t for ‘her indoors’ who actually likes the first three movies, I’d never have rented this, and frankly I wouldn’t have missed a thing. A rather bland by the numbers horror, but that’s not really a surprise when you’ve seen the first film. Yeah, it was an original concept for a horror, but for me the novelty wore off before the credits rolled.

So there you go, a basic run down of the previously unseen movies viewed during by blog hiatus. Some, probably not given the write up they deserve, while others probably received much more.  

And I promise normal transmission will resume shortly.

Planet Hulk Trailer

'Submarine' Trailer

Harry Potter Raped my Brain

When I was growing up I loved pretty much anything to do with monsters and magic, whether it was watching Dungeons & Dragons or Paul Daniels, so when I started to hear people raving on about Harry Potter my eyebrow raised in interest. I didn’t run down to the nearest waterstones, to grab a copy of The Philosophers Stone (or the Sorcerers stone as its known in America, because apparently not enough of them know what a philosopher is, which frankly isn’t hard to believe). I slowly began to take more and more notice, until one day I spied a copy just sitting there on the table at home, don’t know who it belonged to, I picked it up and started reading, and must have read the first five or six chapters, and quite enjoyed it. The next day some friends and I went to see the film, the release of which was one of the thinks that helped to peak my interest.

I never touched that book again, the movie version was awful. The children, all of them, with no exception, are dreadful. The collective acting is so wooden you’d think the film was made by MFI as some elaborate advertising campaign.  Luckily when J K Rowling sold the rights to Warner Bros, she added the condition that all British characters had to be played by British actors, with the same rule applying to any European characters. If she hadn’t we could have ended up with Matt La Blanc as Dumbledore, okay so I have know idea if that was ever a casting choice, but face it Hollywood you do have a disastrous track record for adaptations, no matter the original medium. Hollywood looks at its hand of movie top trumps and slams down Pride & Prejudice. Very good Hollywood, but its very difficult to destroy a adaptation like that, even for you. But given we’re playing disaster trumps its a low score. The problem that now faces me, is not that its difficult to beat Hollywood’s card, its that I’m spoiled for choice, I could go with a television adaptation like Yogi Bear, G.I.Joe Rise of Cobra, or Miami Vice, but keepin the La Blanc theme I’m going with Lost in Space. In no time at all Hollywood counters with Transformers, good call Hollywood, but like I said I’m Spoiled for choice, this time I’m going with the grail of rubbish adapts, the world of video games. We have Mario Bros, Double Dragon, but whats this, yeah Hollywood that’s right Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, and that’s top trump bitch!!

Sorry where was I.. That’s right Harry Potter and the Disappointing Franchise.  But to their credit Radcliffe and his fellow ilk seem to have taken some acting lessons over the summer holidays, as their acting does get better as we get to The Chamber of Secrets, and then again as we get to Harry Potter and the embarrassing erection, or whatever its called. The films do get better, but not by much.

But as the franchise went on the list of British acting cream mixed into this movie cake increased, starting with Richard Griffiths, John Cleese, John Hurt, Maggie Smith, Julie Walters, Mark Williams, Robbie Coltrane, Alan Rickman and the late Richard Harris. Then later we get lashings of Brendan Gleeson, Helena Bonham Carter, Gary Oldman, David Thewlis, Timothy Spall, Jim Broadbent, Imelda Staunton, Emma Thompson, Kenneth Branagh, Ralph Fiennes and Michael Gambon replacing Richard Harris. Not to take anything away from Harris, but Gambon’s Dumbledore is much better. Harris’s version has old and wise down, but Gambon has presence and authority, while still coming across as kindly and though not seeming as old as Harris he also doesn’t look as frail either. Basically Harris looks like a wizard, Gambon IS a wizard.

As the years have rolled on I’ve been made to watch the various instalments, either on DVD or in the cinema. Although the films have gotten better as the series has progressed, Half Blood Prince aside, I’d still never gotten into the wizards corner. My main problem with the films is that they seem rushed, trying to cram as much in as possible, with numerous moments that seem pointless and other moments you wished they’d expanded upon, but then that is the nature of the book adaptation and usually accompanies that line that every self-respecting moviegoer hates “well its not as good as the book”. Then a couple of weeks ago the future Mrs Lazertooth insisted we watch the previous instalments before she dragged me to watch Deathly Hallows part 2, and in the space of 2 weeks I watched all eight movies, at one point watching two and a half in one day (a lazy Sunday) . After almost ten years of telling anyone who would listen how rubbish I thought Potter was, I found my self, I’m almost ashamed to say, actually getting quite into it, much like I had a decade ago with those first chapters. 

It helps that Death Hallows part 2 is essentially one big climax spurting all over the screen, a pay-off that makes that last 18 hours worth it. As well as Voldermort being a villain to rival Darth Vader (controversial)

Now I haven’t done a complete U-turn, I still don’t think its the greatest franchise, the first film is still shit and the epilogue of Death Hallows part 2 is horrendous , but if you watch it like I did, more like a TV series you’ve just gotten on DVD and caned through, watching numerous episodes in a single sitting, then the films work, all those bits that seemed pointless don’t seem so bad, you realise that some of them are quite important just not at that point in the Potter timeline, its like watching the Eastenders omnibus if Phil Mitchell was a wizard.

And that was how Harry Potter raped my grey matter; he snuck into my head like some prepubescent mind ninja, held down my brain and penetrated it with his wand, Expelliarmusing into my cerebral cortex.

So chapter seven was it...